Driving home from hospital with our first child, James, I heard my wife say, ‘Did you click his seat belt?’ Pulling over, I was struck by the realisation that from now on my first thought would be about someone other than me.
Parenting is a skill learned on the go. Daily I face new challenges and just when I think I have worked them out my children get older and the game changes completely. I look at it as a series of milestones, many physical that are obvious and others emotional, less obvious – although this is where parents have more influence.
When my first son James started school I was nervous and planned the day for months. When Joshua started school there was less fanfare, except for the first day photo. You have to feel for the fourth child.
Society has changed significantly since I was a child. When I tell my children that there were six games of footy on Saturday afternoon and that shops were closed on Sunday they find it hard to believe. The expectation is that they will have the latest games and there is a constant barrage of targeted child-focused advertising. They want to be entertained in all aspects of their life and the concept of sitting quietly and contemplating life is a difficult one for them.
No longer is it the expectation that I, as a dad, go to work and mum stays at home. The role of a father is as an equal member of the household. Cooking and cleaning duties are shared (although there are still question marks over my ability to sort my whites from my colours).
Sharing a family meal is a ritual in our household. It is becoming a lost tradition as children’s activities determine the family timetable. I am amazed when I hear stories of parents who barely see each other during the week as they drive children to training sessions and games. The balance of family decision-making has moved from parents to children and this is often at the expense of quiet time. Our busy lives have prioritised the popularity of our children against a sense of spirituality.
As a parent I play an important role in helping to determine the values that my own children grow up around. After spending years together volunteering on the St Vinnies’ Soup Van, Mary Jo and I are well aware of how fortunate we are. My parents were both migrants making their way in a new country. They knew what it was like to grow up without everything they wanted and while I didn’t know it then, I now know the importance of prioritising my children’s spiritual needs over their material wants.
My family have been foster carers since 2006, when three sisters came to visit on weekends to give their mum a break. Over the years, conversations with our children have been around justice, giving and equality. Sharing with those less fortunate is an integral part of the Christian faith. It can be a constant battle trying to balance the needs and wants of my children with those of the foster children in our home. Sometimes I get it wrong but it is worth it when I see the compassion shown by my children. Our weekly visit to the city includes a conversation with Daniel, a homeless man, who lives near the Victoria Market. My boys engage in banter about his beloved Hawks and are quick to put him his place when their Dons beat them.
Ten years after my first trip home with James there have been many adventures. Joshua, David and Laura have all safely made it home from Sunshine Hospital (seat belts checked before we left). I see the world differently now. When I make decisions I have to think of how they will impact the kids. I have experienced emotions that I could never have imagined. I have watched my children succeed and I have watched them fail. I know that there are many things that I can’t control and that they will grow up to make their own decisions and like me grow up in a world very different to their parents’.
Being a dad in 2015, all that I can do is surround them with the values that I believe are important and hope I can give them a few skills that they can take along the journey.
